Be forewarned. This will likely be the first of many posts tiptoeing into the realm of TMI. Ah, well, that’s the kind of writer I am. You’re here to read my thoughts, and today, my thoughts are on cervical mucus.

Since I’ve started reading books about conception, I have started to get worried about my cervical mucus. I realize this is a weird thing to worry about. I honestly had never given any thought at all to my cervical mucus before this. Okay, in reality, I didn’t really know what cervical mucus was. However, after reading chapter after chapter of ways to chart your fertility, I started to worry. Once I learned what cervical mucus was, I recognized it as the “snot” that periodically turned up in my underwear or on the toilet paper. But I definitely didn’t notice it every month. What if, the month we decided to start trying to conceive, I didn’t have any? What if I had STOPPED MAKING CERVICAL MUCUS, RIGHT WHEN IT WAS NO LONGER KIND OF GROSS AND UNNECESSARY, BUT I ACTUALLY NEEDED IT. I realized this was a little nutso, but that is my personality. Frankly, it makes me dread a bit the period where I am wondering whether or not I am pregnant, over and over again. If I am this obsessed now, before we are even trying, what is it going to be like when I could actually be pregnant, but it is impossible to tell if the symptoms are early pregnancy or PMS?

Anyhow, the mucus obsession. I have been charting my menstrual cycle for a little under a month, meticulously noting in the relevant iPhone app whether I am bleeding (sometimes), how much (a lot one day, then practically nothing, stretching on for a week in a very annoying manner that is tempting to just ignore at the end), whether I’ve taken my vitamin (usually yes, but I tend to forget on the weekends), and how much exercise I’ve been getting (not enough. never enough). I have been waiting, in vain, for some cervical mucus to chart, but it just doesn’t appear. The yellow dot representing my anticipated date of ovulation came and went, with no mucus. I decided that probably I had stopped making it, and was doomed to a year of basal body temperature charting to confirm my pee-stick readings. Or worse, that I did not make it, so we could not inseminate at home, as our thawed little swimmers would have nothing to swim through. Just an arid desert, complete with mirages and camels, where my cervix and its mucus used to be. Does my body not realize that sperm have little swimmer tails, not legs? They cannot walk through an arid desert. They need to SWIM.

Then, today, VIOLA. Spin. Spin, I have learned, is the egg-whitey kind of cervical mucus, and the kind that is perfect for excited little sperm to swim through and typically coincides with ovulation. So, even though we are yet months away from starting to inseminate, at least I can rest assured that when the time comes, there will not be a desert, but rather an ocean. Or really, probably more like a swamp or some other moderately damp type of climate.


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